I admit it, I have a life that is difficult, frustrating, and be lonely and miserable. I have four mental disorders, can't drive, live in a small town, and have very few friends. I have some difficulty each day with something, whether its calculating how much of my fixed income I can spend on food or should I talk to my friends on the phone when there's only a five percent chance they'll answer?
Life is even harder when you have a very toxic relationship with someone you've known all your life. Once long ago you and that person, a member of your family or friend, were so close to one another. They protect you, did things with you and loved you so much. Then you remember the exact moment things changed and you did nothing wrong and tried so hard to fix what was broken.
Despite being yelled at, humiliated, and treated like less than nothing you wanted to fix this relationship. I talked with my therapist and came up with strategies to make sure I didn't get hurt, how to deal with this person, even ways to try make the other person see your point of view. The toxic person doesn't believe anything you say. They only see you one way and its from a long time ago.
My toxic person thinks they are the only person who matters. That they're always right and anyone who disagrees is an enemy. Even if you like the same thing, but don't see what the other person is talking about they blow up, treating you cruel, pretending they don't remember anything, but then the suddenly remember some slight that was so long ago it doesn't matter. They just love to shout and complain how awful you are, that you never listen to them, you are a know it all snob, that you're the one who acts like a monster.
You've done everything this toxic person wants and more. You apologize for every little think you've done. You remind them that your their friend/family and that you would do anything for them. You let them have whatever they want, never try to speak because their conversational Narcissist. Even online in public domains you never go anywhere in virtual space they claim as yours. You endure them cussing and being rude and blunt, even when you ask them to stop.
Then you realize your hitting a dead horse. That nothing will ever change. That's when everyone around you starts telling you this is how should be. That you can avoid this person or build up walls. That you can walk away or maybe you should just forgive them and move on with your life. I tell those people I've done all that, but it hasn't stopped the harassment and made things even harder for me.
For example, I stopped communication, but that person refuses to stop calling you even when they're not suppose to have your number. I hit ignore and ignore, but the callls don't stop. My voice mail gets filled with angry screaming messages. Your textbox overfills with with awful text messages describing you as a lot of curse words, cruel names, and talking about how they are better than you. Sometimes when you ignore them, they decide to bother other people, family and friends, until you give in and take that call because you can't stand the fact of other people being hurt.
Others times I find something I like and I try to tell others about it, but this toxic person person goes out of their way to make sure everyone who is interested feels like a idiot. I listen and lose people because all they hear about me is how negative, dumb, and my interests are lame. Other times, they find a way to humiliate you and ruin everything you like about something until you drop interest. Then that toxic person gets what they want and feels powerful.
No one understands. My psychiatrist thinks I'm not trying hard enough to remove myself from this toxic person. My therapist believes that group therapy may help or if it doesn't you need to try the strategies again and again, even if they don't work. My friends all say that I don't deserve to be treated like this nor should I let it bring me down to the point I want to hurt myself. There not here, they can stay safe faraway and aren't around enough to help me. How can I stay strong with no one is backing my corner and helping me not let the voice of doubt win. With no friend to talk about how I feel, because none of them want to hear about my "drama" how am I suppose to let out my feelings in a way that doesn't hurt other? Without friends, how do I escape the pain long enough to feel better?
Then when I do stand up and follow all these suggestions I get, others start telling me how to act, what do, and how to improve my life and make friends in the area so I'm not so lonely that toxic person's voice has wormed its way into my mind. "Go to the YMCA you'll make friends, open up to a neighbor they can be your friend if you try." I do go to the YMCA to work out, but surprise no one talks to you when they work out because they're so focused on their own workout. Did I mention I live in apartment where there's no one my age and my neighbors are senior citizen woman stuck in their ways or that my neighbor across the hall loves screaming and cussing out her kid every day?
Other suggestion are, "go to local festivals, join events in the community, volunteer more or better yet join a church!" I went to our local summer festivals, I spent far to much money on an event that I didn't enjoy. I hated the music being played, You had to pay a lot to go on any mini rides they had, and the price of food was well out of your range.
How do you join an community even when the only activities listed are ones for little kids, teenagers or senior citizens. I'm too old or to young for anything. I do volunteer, I work at the library as one, but I've done such a good job that I accomplish all the tasks and for months on end there's no need for me. I have nothing against religion, I just worship in my own way and when I attended regular service as a child, well you can't really talk to other kids about that and the adults just comment on your clothing.
At this moment in your life, even things you enjoy become blah for a numerous reasons. I love my therapy animal very much, but sometimes I wish she talked. Books can only take the pain away for so long. I want to practice my clarinet, but the upstairs neighbors stomps on my ceiling until I quit. Its hard to enjoy a movie when your hot beyond hot and you can't turn on the air if you want to keep your electric bill low enough you can afford to pay it.
So that's me and my life. So many people telling me do this or act like that, you'll be a real adult or you'll make friends. If you give what you like you'll feel much better. Or how can you not be able to do something as simple as get away from a toxic person? Do they know me better than I know myself? Doubtful, but they are still going to order me around